Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
