sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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