Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
