I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
