Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize