nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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