Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
