I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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