my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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