Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
