Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
wanna go halves on a baby?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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