Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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