i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
