I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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