You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize