I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
