Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
