Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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