My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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