i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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