I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
