I just threw up on my dentist
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
