i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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