Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
