My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
