So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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