she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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