So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
