well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm really busy with my period
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