Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
