i need an iv and a liver transplant
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
