Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
