Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
