He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
