So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
