I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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