I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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