well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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