If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
