So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
