she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
