Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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