I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
