Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This baby is an asshole
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
