So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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