thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
