I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
