i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
