i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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