Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
