i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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