so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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