just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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