I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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