Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize