I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
