Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
