This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
