"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
