When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have aggressive nipples.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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