Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
