Do you still have your period?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
