did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
