I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
