Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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