you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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