wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
