i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Randomize
